one of the biggest deciding factors in my taking the teaching job at fort dorchester this spring was a story my dad told me. he said that his sister (my aunt of course) had told him about her feelings toward going into the mission field for the second time. she had went to africa shortly after graduating from college on a mission trip. apparently at some point she had come back to the states and was working with an architecture firm. one day she got a call from the lady with the mission organization requesting that she go back. she told my dad that she remembered sitting on the plane on her way back to africa flat out mad at God for sending her back. no part of her wanted to go but she knew that it was His plan and she had to go. she had to be obedient. in the end, she met her husband there. had a child. and stayed in the mission field for about 15 years.
thats pretty much the way i felt. every part of my being wanted to turn down the job. wanted to believe that i couldnt do it. that it would be too hard. that i just wouldnt be good enough. but i knew there was only one way to be obedient to God's plan, and that was to follow it. to forget about the plans i had made and just do what he was telling me to do. it couldnt have been easier. He couldnt have been any more obvious. i was just a little slow. thats all.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
part three.
i left the interview a little upset. i was counting on a job offer that day and all i got was a request for a working interview early in the following week. i just wanted to find something secure. i hated (still hate) applying for jobs and going on interviews and i just knew this would be the end to my search. no luck.
when i got home i got a call from my aunt. she works at the district office from which i graduated from. shes in charge of classified personnel. anyways she had told the people around her office about me. that was i graduating with a biology education degree, but she also knew that i wasnt interested in teaching right away. she called me anyhow. seems that she had heard about a job opening at a high school in the district. the teacher had left to pursue a career in forensics an the students had had subs since dec. they wanted someone to come in at the beginning of the 2nd semester and take over the year long courses. since i was qualified and certified to teach the subjects (biology and anatomy), she called me despite my disinterest in teaching.
i cried for a week after that trying to decide what to do. i would be okay with it. convinced that i would be alright. that i would do a job good. then i would look at the schedule ahead or realize that i really didnt know what i was doing and get freaked out again. and i mean really freaked out. crying uncontrollably, hyperventilating. sitting there with the phone in my hand, the number for the hiring lady already dialed, trying to get up the courage to press send so i could tell her i didnt want it. that i had changed my mind. that week was torture.
but i took the job anyways.
when i got home i got a call from my aunt. she works at the district office from which i graduated from. shes in charge of classified personnel. anyways she had told the people around her office about me. that was i graduating with a biology education degree, but she also knew that i wasnt interested in teaching right away. she called me anyhow. seems that she had heard about a job opening at a high school in the district. the teacher had left to pursue a career in forensics an the students had had subs since dec. they wanted someone to come in at the beginning of the 2nd semester and take over the year long courses. since i was qualified and certified to teach the subjects (biology and anatomy), she called me despite my disinterest in teaching.
i cried for a week after that trying to decide what to do. i would be okay with it. convinced that i would be alright. that i would do a job good. then i would look at the schedule ahead or realize that i really didnt know what i was doing and get freaked out again. and i mean really freaked out. crying uncontrollably, hyperventilating. sitting there with the phone in my hand, the number for the hiring lady already dialed, trying to get up the courage to press send so i could tell her i didnt want it. that i had changed my mind. that week was torture.
but i took the job anyways.
part two.
as i began to realize that i didnt want to teach, i also began to realize that i was going to have to find a job doing something. see when you graduate from college there is no more health insurance. no more monetary support with the excuse of "you're in school full time." a job was necessary and without the "easy" option of applying for teaching positions, i was forced to try out my other options. needless to say, without going to med school, nursing school, or through more lab and research technician courses, the options were actually limited for a biology major. i started applying for as many jobs as possible online for which i was qualified for or interested in. there werent many. i set up a profile on monster.com. all i got were a bunch of spam emails.
then came the offer of working with a woman that my mom use to work for at an oncology office in mt. pleasant. the job was a receptionist. not exactly putting my major to good use, but a full time job with benefits. i spoke with the woman in charge of hiring, set up an interview, and got my resume together. at the actual interview one of her most important questions basically inquired as to why a girl with a degree in biology and education would be interested in a front desk receptionist position at a doctor's office. the truth was i wasnt that interested. to me it was all temporary. i was gonna be gone in 6 months anyways. she automatically sensed that, but then again i knew she would.
then came the offer of working with a woman that my mom use to work for at an oncology office in mt. pleasant. the job was a receptionist. not exactly putting my major to good use, but a full time job with benefits. i spoke with the woman in charge of hiring, set up an interview, and got my resume together. at the actual interview one of her most important questions basically inquired as to why a girl with a degree in biology and education would be interested in a front desk receptionist position at a doctor's office. the truth was i wasnt that interested. to me it was all temporary. i was gonna be gone in 6 months anyways. she automatically sensed that, but then again i knew she would.
i can stay up late now = a post.
okay. i'm starting from the beginning.
i started my internship freaking out. and i ended it pretty much the same way. at first things were good. i was back at winthrop which i enjoyed. i was paired with what i had heard to be an amazing mentor teacher. i loved my new roommates. i was at least somewhat confident in my abilities and my training.
around the end of october - halloween to be exact - i had a nervous breakdown. i had been scared for a long time. fearful of being in front of the students. of not being prepared. of not being liked (haha). i actually dreaded getting up in the morning. not because of the early morning hours. but because i hated it. all of it. and surprisingly it wasnt because i had a crappy mentor teacher. or because i was stuck with really bad classes with really disrespectful students. i actually an amazing, supportive, encouraging mentor teacher. and compared to what i have experienced this spring, the students were great. it was me. a completely mental thing in which i was so extremely hard on myself that i actually believed that the students hated me. that i was making nothing but mistakes. that there was no way in hell that i could be a teacher, let alone a good one.
on october 31st i went to school. and from the moment i got there i could not stop crying. my mentor teacher convinced me to leave. to rest and take my mind off things. the biggest part that i remember from that day is that i called my mom later on in the afternoon, crying of course, trying to explain to her how i was feeling and realizing that i sounded crazy but knowing that those doubts and insecurities were rooted deep and wouldnt be taken away easily. i felt trapped in a profession that i had spent 4 years studying how to do and that i now hated. talk about nervous breakdown. i know. i had one.
i started my internship freaking out. and i ended it pretty much the same way. at first things were good. i was back at winthrop which i enjoyed. i was paired with what i had heard to be an amazing mentor teacher. i loved my new roommates. i was at least somewhat confident in my abilities and my training.
around the end of october - halloween to be exact - i had a nervous breakdown. i had been scared for a long time. fearful of being in front of the students. of not being prepared. of not being liked (haha). i actually dreaded getting up in the morning. not because of the early morning hours. but because i hated it. all of it. and surprisingly it wasnt because i had a crappy mentor teacher. or because i was stuck with really bad classes with really disrespectful students. i actually an amazing, supportive, encouraging mentor teacher. and compared to what i have experienced this spring, the students were great. it was me. a completely mental thing in which i was so extremely hard on myself that i actually believed that the students hated me. that i was making nothing but mistakes. that there was no way in hell that i could be a teacher, let alone a good one.
on october 31st i went to school. and from the moment i got there i could not stop crying. my mentor teacher convinced me to leave. to rest and take my mind off things. the biggest part that i remember from that day is that i called my mom later on in the afternoon, crying of course, trying to explain to her how i was feeling and realizing that i sounded crazy but knowing that those doubts and insecurities were rooted deep and wouldnt be taken away easily. i felt trapped in a profession that i had spent 4 years studying how to do and that i now hated. talk about nervous breakdown. i know. i had one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
