one of the biggest deciding factors in my taking the teaching job at fort dorchester this spring was a story my dad told me. he said that his sister (my aunt of course) had told him about her feelings toward going into the mission field for the second time. she had went to africa shortly after graduating from college on a mission trip. apparently at some point she had come back to the states and was working with an architecture firm. one day she got a call from the lady with the mission organization requesting that she go back. she told my dad that she remembered sitting on the plane on her way back to africa flat out mad at God for sending her back. no part of her wanted to go but she knew that it was His plan and she had to go. she had to be obedient. in the end, she met her husband there. had a child. and stayed in the mission field for about 15 years.
thats pretty much the way i felt. every part of my being wanted to turn down the job. wanted to believe that i couldnt do it. that it would be too hard. that i just wouldnt be good enough. but i knew there was only one way to be obedient to God's plan, and that was to follow it. to forget about the plans i had made and just do what he was telling me to do. it couldnt have been easier. He couldnt have been any more obvious. i was just a little slow. thats all.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
part three.
i left the interview a little upset. i was counting on a job offer that day and all i got was a request for a working interview early in the following week. i just wanted to find something secure. i hated (still hate) applying for jobs and going on interviews and i just knew this would be the end to my search. no luck.
when i got home i got a call from my aunt. she works at the district office from which i graduated from. shes in charge of classified personnel. anyways she had told the people around her office about me. that was i graduating with a biology education degree, but she also knew that i wasnt interested in teaching right away. she called me anyhow. seems that she had heard about a job opening at a high school in the district. the teacher had left to pursue a career in forensics an the students had had subs since dec. they wanted someone to come in at the beginning of the 2nd semester and take over the year long courses. since i was qualified and certified to teach the subjects (biology and anatomy), she called me despite my disinterest in teaching.
i cried for a week after that trying to decide what to do. i would be okay with it. convinced that i would be alright. that i would do a job good. then i would look at the schedule ahead or realize that i really didnt know what i was doing and get freaked out again. and i mean really freaked out. crying uncontrollably, hyperventilating. sitting there with the phone in my hand, the number for the hiring lady already dialed, trying to get up the courage to press send so i could tell her i didnt want it. that i had changed my mind. that week was torture.
but i took the job anyways.
when i got home i got a call from my aunt. she works at the district office from which i graduated from. shes in charge of classified personnel. anyways she had told the people around her office about me. that was i graduating with a biology education degree, but she also knew that i wasnt interested in teaching right away. she called me anyhow. seems that she had heard about a job opening at a high school in the district. the teacher had left to pursue a career in forensics an the students had had subs since dec. they wanted someone to come in at the beginning of the 2nd semester and take over the year long courses. since i was qualified and certified to teach the subjects (biology and anatomy), she called me despite my disinterest in teaching.
i cried for a week after that trying to decide what to do. i would be okay with it. convinced that i would be alright. that i would do a job good. then i would look at the schedule ahead or realize that i really didnt know what i was doing and get freaked out again. and i mean really freaked out. crying uncontrollably, hyperventilating. sitting there with the phone in my hand, the number for the hiring lady already dialed, trying to get up the courage to press send so i could tell her i didnt want it. that i had changed my mind. that week was torture.
but i took the job anyways.
part two.
as i began to realize that i didnt want to teach, i also began to realize that i was going to have to find a job doing something. see when you graduate from college there is no more health insurance. no more monetary support with the excuse of "you're in school full time." a job was necessary and without the "easy" option of applying for teaching positions, i was forced to try out my other options. needless to say, without going to med school, nursing school, or through more lab and research technician courses, the options were actually limited for a biology major. i started applying for as many jobs as possible online for which i was qualified for or interested in. there werent many. i set up a profile on monster.com. all i got were a bunch of spam emails.
then came the offer of working with a woman that my mom use to work for at an oncology office in mt. pleasant. the job was a receptionist. not exactly putting my major to good use, but a full time job with benefits. i spoke with the woman in charge of hiring, set up an interview, and got my resume together. at the actual interview one of her most important questions basically inquired as to why a girl with a degree in biology and education would be interested in a front desk receptionist position at a doctor's office. the truth was i wasnt that interested. to me it was all temporary. i was gonna be gone in 6 months anyways. she automatically sensed that, but then again i knew she would.
then came the offer of working with a woman that my mom use to work for at an oncology office in mt. pleasant. the job was a receptionist. not exactly putting my major to good use, but a full time job with benefits. i spoke with the woman in charge of hiring, set up an interview, and got my resume together. at the actual interview one of her most important questions basically inquired as to why a girl with a degree in biology and education would be interested in a front desk receptionist position at a doctor's office. the truth was i wasnt that interested. to me it was all temporary. i was gonna be gone in 6 months anyways. she automatically sensed that, but then again i knew she would.
i can stay up late now = a post.
okay. i'm starting from the beginning.
i started my internship freaking out. and i ended it pretty much the same way. at first things were good. i was back at winthrop which i enjoyed. i was paired with what i had heard to be an amazing mentor teacher. i loved my new roommates. i was at least somewhat confident in my abilities and my training.
around the end of october - halloween to be exact - i had a nervous breakdown. i had been scared for a long time. fearful of being in front of the students. of not being prepared. of not being liked (haha). i actually dreaded getting up in the morning. not because of the early morning hours. but because i hated it. all of it. and surprisingly it wasnt because i had a crappy mentor teacher. or because i was stuck with really bad classes with really disrespectful students. i actually an amazing, supportive, encouraging mentor teacher. and compared to what i have experienced this spring, the students were great. it was me. a completely mental thing in which i was so extremely hard on myself that i actually believed that the students hated me. that i was making nothing but mistakes. that there was no way in hell that i could be a teacher, let alone a good one.
on october 31st i went to school. and from the moment i got there i could not stop crying. my mentor teacher convinced me to leave. to rest and take my mind off things. the biggest part that i remember from that day is that i called my mom later on in the afternoon, crying of course, trying to explain to her how i was feeling and realizing that i sounded crazy but knowing that those doubts and insecurities were rooted deep and wouldnt be taken away easily. i felt trapped in a profession that i had spent 4 years studying how to do and that i now hated. talk about nervous breakdown. i know. i had one.
i started my internship freaking out. and i ended it pretty much the same way. at first things were good. i was back at winthrop which i enjoyed. i was paired with what i had heard to be an amazing mentor teacher. i loved my new roommates. i was at least somewhat confident in my abilities and my training.
around the end of october - halloween to be exact - i had a nervous breakdown. i had been scared for a long time. fearful of being in front of the students. of not being prepared. of not being liked (haha). i actually dreaded getting up in the morning. not because of the early morning hours. but because i hated it. all of it. and surprisingly it wasnt because i had a crappy mentor teacher. or because i was stuck with really bad classes with really disrespectful students. i actually an amazing, supportive, encouraging mentor teacher. and compared to what i have experienced this spring, the students were great. it was me. a completely mental thing in which i was so extremely hard on myself that i actually believed that the students hated me. that i was making nothing but mistakes. that there was no way in hell that i could be a teacher, let alone a good one.
on october 31st i went to school. and from the moment i got there i could not stop crying. my mentor teacher convinced me to leave. to rest and take my mind off things. the biggest part that i remember from that day is that i called my mom later on in the afternoon, crying of course, trying to explain to her how i was feeling and realizing that i sounded crazy but knowing that those doubts and insecurities were rooted deep and wouldnt be taken away easily. i felt trapped in a profession that i had spent 4 years studying how to do and that i now hated. talk about nervous breakdown. i know. i had one.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
today i'm ok with my job. but ask me again tomorrow.
i'm a teacher.
did you know that?
i started about 3 weeks ago. totally unexpected plan for my spring semester. i had actually been applying at a number of doctor's offices in charleston. but the position became available. the previous biology and anatomy teacher had left to pursue a career in forensic science. so my aunt let me know (she works at the district office) and told me to consider it. thats the hardest decision i had to make in a long time. probably ever. i just remembered my internship. how hard it was, how i was on myself, and how much my confidence was shattered in the end. how happy i was to be done. i didnt want to put myself through 4 more months of that hell again. but then it hit it me. it was a perfect position at the perfect time. and while i had made me own plans, it was clear that they were not a part of Gods. these were his plans. so in the end and after many tears and freak outs and panic attacks, i decided to just suck it up and deal with the fact that i was going to be a teacher.
now here i am three weeks later and i'm still alive. they havent killed me yet. i havent killed myself yet. all good news i must say. things have been a little rough. last week was hard. but i think it is honestly getting better. the students were use to not doing much so they complain when i make them work, and they were use to pretty much doing whatever they want, so controlling their behavior has been a daily struggle. but i'm working on them. and i'm working on myself. to grow stronger. have more confidence. not back down when they try to test me. and its gradual but i can see it happening. basically i'm becoming more and more pissed off at them but i can still be nice when i want to be. and even though it sounds harsh and mean, it really is the attitude that you have to have when you're working with high school kids. cause they are mean, disrespectful little punks too. ya gotta give them a taste of their own medicine.
but still things are good. i feel like a crazy person most of the time. and basically i'm running around this place like a chicken with my head cut off from 6:45 to 3:15 (i have 6 classes and they are all in a different room). i'm forgetting everything. the first two weeks i marked all of my tardy students as excused (have asked anyone about that yet). but i'm learning too and i know it will all get easier and better eventually. whenever eventually may be.
did you know that?
i started about 3 weeks ago. totally unexpected plan for my spring semester. i had actually been applying at a number of doctor's offices in charleston. but the position became available. the previous biology and anatomy teacher had left to pursue a career in forensic science. so my aunt let me know (she works at the district office) and told me to consider it. thats the hardest decision i had to make in a long time. probably ever. i just remembered my internship. how hard it was, how i was on myself, and how much my confidence was shattered in the end. how happy i was to be done. i didnt want to put myself through 4 more months of that hell again. but then it hit it me. it was a perfect position at the perfect time. and while i had made me own plans, it was clear that they were not a part of Gods. these were his plans. so in the end and after many tears and freak outs and panic attacks, i decided to just suck it up and deal with the fact that i was going to be a teacher.
now here i am three weeks later and i'm still alive. they havent killed me yet. i havent killed myself yet. all good news i must say. things have been a little rough. last week was hard. but i think it is honestly getting better. the students were use to not doing much so they complain when i make them work, and they were use to pretty much doing whatever they want, so controlling their behavior has been a daily struggle. but i'm working on them. and i'm working on myself. to grow stronger. have more confidence. not back down when they try to test me. and its gradual but i can see it happening. basically i'm becoming more and more pissed off at them but i can still be nice when i want to be. and even though it sounds harsh and mean, it really is the attitude that you have to have when you're working with high school kids. cause they are mean, disrespectful little punks too. ya gotta give them a taste of their own medicine.
but still things are good. i feel like a crazy person most of the time. and basically i'm running around this place like a chicken with my head cut off from 6:45 to 3:15 (i have 6 classes and they are all in a different room). i'm forgetting everything. the first two weeks i marked all of my tardy students as excused (have asked anyone about that yet). but i'm learning too and i know it will all get easier and better eventually. whenever eventually may be.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
i had every intention...
i really had every intention of updating this blog. of sharing with the general public my adventures in student teaching. and clearly my intentions fell apart. but dont feel bad. i didnt update my personal blog all semester either. so now i'm retracing my steps. backtracking through the course of the past semester. cause my thoughts about and my feelings toward teaching have changed dramatically over the past 4 and 1/2 months. and now i'm gearing up for the biggest challenge i've ever faced - teaching full time on my own. so with that will come new thoughts and feelings - along with fits of insanity. my plan is to retrace those steps i mentioned through a series of blog entries starting from the beginning of last semester. and even though free blogging time doesnt seem to be abundant in the near future, i do want to make an effort at keeping this one updated. if no one reads it, i still find it be a nice release. so regardless it will be here. waiting on you.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
the beginning of the fall.
and so begins my last semester of college.
the dreaded student teaching internship.
the end of the road.
the beginning of the fall.
i spent most of this previous summer saying that i was going to further prepare myself for the semester ahead. i did a good amount of organizing, but hardly any educational reading or researching. and here i am, less than five days away from the big one and i'm still organizing previously used resources. trying to catch up on old educational journals that i've forgotten about until now. and generally...well, i'm just freaking out.
right now i'm taking part in what winthrop university likes to call "internship institute." i refer to it now as internship camp. there are a bunch of seminars for us to take part in - dealing with things like legal issues (stuff we could be liable for or potentially sued for), ADEPT standards (how we're evaluated even as first year teachers), our huge internship work sample (a big semester long project thats due at the end), and possible educational associations that we can join as students. tomorrow comes "stress management" and "communication in the internship" among others. really, its a lot of small details, really useful and important information that in the long run will save us a lot of trouble, grief, and surprise when we are finally on our own. i think its a pretty good idea myself. eh?
the facts until this point are...i passed the praxis II, which means (according to my aunt who works for the school district that i graduated high school from) that i can actually start the teacher certification process in something like october. i can also starting applying to school districts then. its all based on a letter of intent. basically, "you finish your internship, you graduate, you get certified...we'll take you!" she informed me of all of this about a month ago. and i must admit that things are moving a little fast for me. at the beginning of the summer i had told myself that when i graduated i was going to go home and take 6 months off just working as much as i can at small jobs. but then i found out how much health insurance costs and that if i started teaching (which is a good possibility cause they always need science teachers) that insurance and benefits would be covered immediately. and i would get paid a teachers salary without the bills for rent, groceries, insurance, life which means i can save more in order to prepare for when the real real world actually does come. so the idea began appealing more to me. i have to admit that the reason i was reluctant before is that i would be coming into a brand new class, the middle of the year, with what i figured would be no experience. but i would have experience! i would be leaving straight out of a full time internship at one of the best educational university departments in the state. i would have a mentor teacher and my family close by for good support. i would have plenty of time to focus hard on the teaching without all of the other aspects of living on my own to worry about. i would be taking it one thing at a time. i would be able to do that.
so now i'm back in school(!) and i've been assigned to my internship school. first it was york comprehensive high school with susie ferguson as my mentor teacher. but a woman from WU's students academic services called last week and said that they switched with someone else and that i would actually be at fort mill with maria torres. i happy with the switch cause the drive is shorter and fort mill high is a school that (at this point) i would potentially be interested in teaching at. so i start monday. and guess what...monday night is open house at 7pm! i'm going to try to make it even though i have class scheduled until 8. but i really hope i can make it.
i'm writing in this blog (separate from my other blog) because its a good way of chronicling my journeys through student teaching. to post cool things that i find or come up with. to describe the good and bad parts of interning. to process thoughts about the semester, my class, my students, my assignments, my life as a teacher in a written/verbal way. this way, my roommates and good friends dont get bored by hearing all about it! so keep coming back...i'll be sure to keep you all updated.
the dreaded student teaching internship.
the end of the road.
the beginning of the fall.
i spent most of this previous summer saying that i was going to further prepare myself for the semester ahead. i did a good amount of organizing, but hardly any educational reading or researching. and here i am, less than five days away from the big one and i'm still organizing previously used resources. trying to catch up on old educational journals that i've forgotten about until now. and generally...well, i'm just freaking out.
right now i'm taking part in what winthrop university likes to call "internship institute." i refer to it now as internship camp. there are a bunch of seminars for us to take part in - dealing with things like legal issues (stuff we could be liable for or potentially sued for), ADEPT standards (how we're evaluated even as first year teachers), our huge internship work sample (a big semester long project thats due at the end), and possible educational associations that we can join as students. tomorrow comes "stress management" and "communication in the internship" among others. really, its a lot of small details, really useful and important information that in the long run will save us a lot of trouble, grief, and surprise when we are finally on our own. i think its a pretty good idea myself. eh?
the facts until this point are...i passed the praxis II, which means (according to my aunt who works for the school district that i graduated high school from) that i can actually start the teacher certification process in something like october. i can also starting applying to school districts then. its all based on a letter of intent. basically, "you finish your internship, you graduate, you get certified...we'll take you!" she informed me of all of this about a month ago. and i must admit that things are moving a little fast for me. at the beginning of the summer i had told myself that when i graduated i was going to go home and take 6 months off just working as much as i can at small jobs. but then i found out how much health insurance costs and that if i started teaching (which is a good possibility cause they always need science teachers) that insurance and benefits would be covered immediately. and i would get paid a teachers salary without the bills for rent, groceries, insurance, life which means i can save more in order to prepare for when the real real world actually does come. so the idea began appealing more to me. i have to admit that the reason i was reluctant before is that i would be coming into a brand new class, the middle of the year, with what i figured would be no experience. but i would have experience! i would be leaving straight out of a full time internship at one of the best educational university departments in the state. i would have a mentor teacher and my family close by for good support. i would have plenty of time to focus hard on the teaching without all of the other aspects of living on my own to worry about. i would be taking it one thing at a time. i would be able to do that.
so now i'm back in school(!) and i've been assigned to my internship school. first it was york comprehensive high school with susie ferguson as my mentor teacher. but a woman from WU's students academic services called last week and said that they switched with someone else and that i would actually be at fort mill with maria torres. i happy with the switch cause the drive is shorter and fort mill high is a school that (at this point) i would potentially be interested in teaching at. so i start monday. and guess what...monday night is open house at 7pm! i'm going to try to make it even though i have class scheduled until 8. but i really hope i can make it.
i'm writing in this blog (separate from my other blog) because its a good way of chronicling my journeys through student teaching. to post cool things that i find or come up with. to describe the good and bad parts of interning. to process thoughts about the semester, my class, my students, my assignments, my life as a teacher in a written/verbal way. this way, my roommates and good friends dont get bored by hearing all about it! so keep coming back...i'll be sure to keep you all updated.
Friday, February 16, 2007
i have come to a frightening conclusion
i am the decisive element in the classroom
it is my personal approach that creates the climate
it is my daily mood that makes the weather
as a teacher i possess tremendous power
to make a child's life miserable or joyous
i can be tool of torture
or an instrument of inspiration
i can humiliate or humor
hurt or heal
in all situations it is my response
that decides whether a crisis
will be escalated or de-escalated
and a child humanized or de-humanized.
i am the decisive element in the classroom
it is my personal approach that creates the climate
it is my daily mood that makes the weather
as a teacher i possess tremendous power
to make a child's life miserable or joyous
i can be tool of torture
or an instrument of inspiration
i can humiliate or humor
hurt or heal
in all situations it is my response
that decides whether a crisis
will be escalated or de-escalated
and a child humanized or de-humanized.
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